“Why didn’t you say that in the meeting?”

Let’s talk a bit today about “crazy making behavior.” There is a phenomena of group life known as the “undiscussable.” Something important needs to be said, everyone knows that this needs to be said, and then, none of the members of the team say what needs to be said, because each assumes that what needs to be said is “undiscussable.”

Instead, what happens after the meeting, one team member turns to another and says. “We are never going to make that date, and everyone knows it.” At which point the conversation goes something like this. “I know. Why didn’t you say that in the meeting.” “Who me?” What about you? You know it just as well as I do. The last time I said that, I was called a whiner, and later Lisa ripped me for not being a team player.”

Been there? Undiscussables often lead to pairing – where two members of a group pair up after the meeting, discuss what was troubling them, and sadly collude to do nothing. Don’t lose hope. There are remedies. They are simple, but not easy. Today’s post is not about the remedies. We can help you with that. Rather I’d like to point out what can happen when you find your voice, and learn that their is tremendous power in both vulnerability and taking on the role of the “loyal dissenter.”

Please read Adam Bryant’s article on Ursula Burns, the CEO of Xerox corporation. It’s a must read for all Action Research Consultants, and students of Model 2 Communication. Ursula describes the culture as “terminal niceness,” and illustrates the cost of not speaking up and remaining polite and nice. I especially liked the descriptions of how she raised issues. She displays a hard nosed curiosity that is difficult to resist.

What’s important to recognize is how comfortable she is stating her feelings. She uses them as a barometer for reading the group process. she acts on her feelings by asking the critical, and heretofore undiscussable question? It’s absolutely brilliant. Again, simple, but not easy.

Applied to the example above, our team member might what to ask the team? Does anyone else feel insecure about making our date? Just curious, Am I the only one who thinks we are fooling ourselves?

When the NYT’s link stops working, email me for a pdf. This one is a keeper.